No Wedding, No Love: Life After Heartbreak

no loveWednesday night, I cried myself to sleep. Out of nowhere, it hit me that my dreams of marriage had been shattered once again. I started replaying the moments of excitement looking at rings, searching for a venue, and trying on dresses. I started to think about how I finally had someone who loved me and wanted me as his wife. This marriage was meant to be the validation I needed to prove that I am desirable. The abrupt departure of my father at age five had left me wondering will I ever be wanted and loved. I had come to see marriage as a form of redeeming that piece of me. However on December 31, 2016 we had the breakup of all breakups, and my dream was shattered. All my hopes for us were robbed and ” hope deferred makes the heart sick…” became my reality.(Proverbs 13:12)

I believe one of the greatest pains of our human experience is a broken heart. Its pain is piercing and relentless. With all the strength you possess you try quickly to move past it, but broken things often heal slowly. You are simply forced to endure its pain. Some try to sedate it with sex, liquor, and drugs, but it refuses to leave. Some try to work it away, but the moment you take a break, it’s there. Some try to reason it away, but heartache supersedes knowledge; and you will never truly understand why your heart hurts so bad.

One of my greatest fears was to be where I am now, and that’s on the back side of a failed engagement. I read stories and met women who had gone through it; but I never wanted to be acquainted with its grief.  Now three months removed from it today, I can testify there is life after it. The first 30 days consisted of bitter tears. I wept because I felt like I had wasted my time. I mourned because I loved him. I sobbed because I made the decision to call the relationship off.  I lamented the death of the relationship because I had never been completely committed to a relationship the way I was with him (mind, body, and soul).  I cried because I no longer saw myself part of his dreams.

I would be lying if I said this experience did not rip the fabric of the way I view love. It was almost successful in making me give up on it. I was almost convinced not to love wholeheartedly ever again, but shutting myself off to loving someone keeps me from fulfilling my purpose. We were created to love. Choosing not to do so makes one defective because you are not fulfilling the Great Manufacturer’s purpose for creating you.

During the first 30 days, all I could remember was the broken promises. I had forgotten about all the joy and life our love had given me. Although the flaws of our humanity brought on the demise of our relationship, the love we shared was pure, healing, and refreshing. I learned so much about me, and I appreciate every lesson his love came to teach me. I assumed it was for forever, but I am grateful I was able to experience it in this lifetime.

I am not sure what the future holds for me, and I am quite alright with its uncertainty. I no longer see marriage as the validation I needed to prove I am worthy of love. I rest in the fact that I was created to love, and at the appointed time that love will be received and reciprocated by the man it was created to serve. I am no longer bitter about the outcome, and I am hopeful that I will love again.-Charity Israel

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The Perfect Mate List Poll

As the thirty first year of my life is quickly approaching, I have found myself doing a lot of introspection. I have been checking my closet making sure all the skeletons are out of it from the previous years. I have been forced to reevaluate some of my relationships, and I have given walking papers to those who truly needed them. I have been confronting all the clutter of my life, and I must admit it has been excruciatingly painful. However, I push through because wholeness is my desire, and I know the liberation that will be experienced after this is over will be well worth it.

One of the tools I have been using to gauge my progress in life is my old journals. I go back to them to see how much I have grown or not. I use them to encourage me through moments of testing and trials as a reminder of how  great God has been to me. Today I was reading one of my old journals, and I came across an entry from June 25, 2008. As I read it, I chuckled because in it contained my Perfect Mate List. I will admit the caliber of man I entertained drastically changed when I created it, but  it has also been what some have accused as the reason behind my singleness.( Side note: #Mr.Godiva and I are no longer together and the #dearfuturehusband post will be returning.) Yet when I read it, I honestly do not believe I am asking for too much. The list is much smaller now, but today I figured I would give each of you a sneak peak into my prayer journal and get your personal opinion:

June 25, 2008-So my ladies and I were talking, and one of them shared about how they made a list concerning what she wanted in a husband. I want to do it, but I’m scared my list might be too much. So here is the deal God, I will make my list and you revise it. You know what I need and that is more important than my wants:

  1.  A man that lives to honor You in word, deed, and heart (a Psalm 119 man).
  2. A man of integrity and vision (a big dreamer).
  3. A man who lives to learn, know, and live the word of God.
  4. A wealthy man.
  5. A man who loves me for me, no exceptions!
  6. A fashion-forward man.
  7. A man that lives and love to worship and pray. He is unashamed to show his love for God.
  8. A man who loves and appreciates his family.
  9. A shrewd business man.
  10. A good steward over his finances.
  11. A man of great faith.
  12. A humble and gentle man towards me and those who need it.
  13. A man who walks, understands, and knows his authority as a son of God.
  14. A man who keeps his word (swears to his own hurt).
  15. A man who is aesthetically pleasing in my sight.
  16. A man that has a wonderful sense of humor and loves to have fun…you will be done Amen.

I’m grateful that you have made it to the end of this list, and now I’m asking for your assistance. If you feel this list was absolutely ridiculous, let me know. If you feel I’m absolutely delusional, let me know. If you feel that this list is not detailed enough, let me know. I look forward to your feedback. Have a Marvelous Monday!!!



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Single Women, Can We Talk???

Hey ladies, I hope you are having a lovely day. I come in peace. 😇 Yesterday, I wrote a blog to the Single Men enlightening them on how to keep the interest of a Good woman. I think it is only fair that I write to the women who desire to keep a good man’s interest. This blog comes from a place of both love and lovebeachesfrustration because I am tired of my girlfriends being single; and I am tired of them doing stupid things to lose quality men. I get nauseated every time I hear women say, “There are no good men out there.” Earth to ladies: DO NOT DISCREDIT  ALL MEN BASED ON THE KIND OF MEN YOU KEEP CHOOSING. If you were more selective instead of desperate, men of substance would make themselves available to you; but I digress. Here are five things that will keep him interested:

  1. Go out. I have lost count of how many women I have met who desire a relationship but refuse to go out. 👀 Ladies for 99.99% of us, Prince Charming is not going to show up at our doorsteps to whisk us away on his horse. You have to be visible for him to see you, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!! I am not suggesting go to a bar, but frequent the places that reflect you and what you enjoy doing. If you meet someone while enjoying what you love to do, there will not be any pressure to stop doing it. This also gives you a topic of discussion once he decides to call. #Outthehousecampaign2015
  2. Be Feminine. Being a lady is a lost art in our society. Women have become so bent on proving they are equal to men that we have lost the “sugar, spice, and all things nice that little girls are made of.”  NEWSFLASH: SMILING WON’T KILL YOU AND BEING KIND WON’T HURT YOU. A good man adores the soft and feminine things about a woman.  He appreciates when we are gentle, reserve, and soft spoken in his presence. A good man will honor and love the feminine side of you. He will not abuse it. He does not see it as weakness. It is simply one of the many reasons why he chooses to protect, honor, and respect you. #hisflower
  3. Have Goals/Hobbies. A good man likes a woman about her business. He is not insecure requiring you to be at his beckoning call. He enjoys the fact you have interest outside of him. He also will be an accountability partner as it pertains to achieving your goals. He will not accept complacency or mediocrity from you because your success becomes his success. Your looks may attract him, but your ambition will keep. #findsomethingtodo
  4. Allow him to lead. A good man takes pride in being the source all of you need. Give him access to the areas you could use his help, guidance, and expertise. He lives to show you that he can be trusted. He takes delight in knowing he can soothe your worries and calm your fears. Your independence will keep you alone. If he has proven himself capable of leading you guys, LET HIM OR LOSE HIM. #TeamInterdependent
  5. Keep his secrets. Ladies his fears, failures, and insecurities are not topics for public discussion among friends. He has entrusted you with the deepest part of his heart, KEEP YOUR MOUTH CLOSED. His secrets should NEVER be used as the closing statement to win an argument. Throw his past or insecurities up too many times, and you will trade in his trust for a stroke to your ego. He will not stay long because part of him respecting you is measured by how much he trust you. A good man values loyalty, and your inability to keep secrets proves YOU ARE NOT LOYAL. #caseclosed

It is my hope that this was received in love. Honestly, I am tired of good people being single for silly reasons. Ladies it is not enough that we desire love, but we must know how to respond to it when it finds us.  Start going out again!  Take pride in being a woman by sharing your softer side with him. Before he makes his arrival, have some other interest and goals outside of Love. Do not be afraid to follow the leader. He has your best interest at heart, trust him. Last but not least, let his secrets and insecurities find refuge in you. Practice silence when it comes to the intimate things of your relationship. All the best to each of you!- Charity Israel



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