No Wedding, No Love: Life After Heartbreak

no loveWednesday night, I cried myself to sleep. Out of nowhere, it hit me that my dreams of marriage had been shattered once again. I started replaying the moments of excitement looking at rings, searching for a venue, and trying on dresses. I started to think about how I finally had someone who loved me and wanted me as his wife. This marriage was meant to be the validation I needed to prove that I am desirable. The abrupt departure of my father at age five had left me wondering will I ever be wanted and loved. I had come to see marriage as a form of redeeming that piece of me. However on December 31, 2016 we had the breakup of all breakups, and my dream was shattered. All my hopes for us were robbed and ” hope deferred makes the heart sick…” became my reality.(Proverbs 13:12)

I believe one of the greatest pains of our human experience is a broken heart. Its pain is piercing and relentless. With all the strength you possess you try quickly to move past it, but broken things often heal slowly. You are simply forced to endure its pain. Some try to sedate it with sex, liquor, and drugs, but it refuses to leave. Some try to work it away, but the moment you take a break, it’s there. Some try to reason it away, but heartache supersedes knowledge; and you will never truly understand why your heart hurts so bad.

One of my greatest fears was to be where I am now, and that’s on the back side of a failed engagement. I read stories and met women who had gone through it; but I never wanted to be acquainted with its grief.  Now three months removed from it today, I can testify there is life after it. The first 30 days consisted of bitter tears. I wept because I felt like I had wasted my time. I mourned because I loved him. I sobbed because I made the decision to call the relationship off.  I lamented the death of the relationship because I had never been completely committed to a relationship the way I was with him (mind, body, and soul).  I cried because I no longer saw myself part of his dreams.

I would be lying if I said this experience did not rip the fabric of the way I view love. It was almost successful in making me give up on it. I was almost convinced not to love wholeheartedly ever again, but shutting myself off to loving someone keeps me from fulfilling my purpose. We were created to love. Choosing not to do so makes one defective because you are not fulfilling the Great Manufacturer’s purpose for creating you.

During the first 30 days, all I could remember was the broken promises. I had forgotten about all the joy and life our love had given me. Although the flaws of our humanity brought on the demise of our relationship, the love we shared was pure, healing, and refreshing. I learned so much about me, and I appreciate every lesson his love came to teach me. I assumed it was for forever, but I am grateful I was able to experience it in this lifetime.

I am not sure what the future holds for me, and I am quite alright with its uncertainty. I no longer see marriage as the validation I needed to prove I am worthy of love. I rest in the fact that I was created to love, and at the appointed time that love will be received and reciprocated by the man it was created to serve. I am no longer bitter about the outcome, and I am hopeful that I will love again.-Charity Israel

Photo Credit: http://hammerandgem.com/wedding-rings-101-dos-donts-wedding-ring-ownership/

Advertisements

The Wedding that Didn’t Happen

Today is August 5, 2016 and it is has been a year since my beautiful grandmother on my father’s side passing. However, today I mourn for a different reason. Today, if things had gone as planned, I would have burned my Single Woman card forever. Yep, today is the day I would no longer be a Porter. Instead I am single once again and telling my story to complete strangers. For those who have not been following me on Social Media, on Christmas Eve 2015 I reconnected with someone, and from that moment we were inseparable. Considering that fate brought us together again, we were both pretty sure that this meant marriage.

This man took great care of me. He made it his business to make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. He was kind. He enjoyed a good laugh. He had a career. He was a Christian, and he was fine!!!! Tall, dark, and pleasing in my sight was the man I fell completely in love with! He knew everything about me. He managed to accept those things about me that I wrestled with accepting about myself. I was hooked on that Milk Chocolate man, and he was hooked on me. Then March 3, 2016 came and my little fairytale ended. The united front we once were had become divided. The vision of life we had together started to look better apart from each other.

Things were not bad. He did not cheat and neither did I, but we both felt that it was in the best interest of each other that we go our separate ways. It was the sweetest breakup ever, and I could not be mad because I felt the same way. But after a few days of sitting alone and coping with the fact, us breaking up included there being no wedding, I became furious!!! I read over every text message of him declaring how excited he was about us getting married. I kept having flashbacks of us going shopping for rings, checking out venues, and how gorgeous I looked in the gown I tried on. I was pissed that I spent money on Bridal magazines, fabric samples, and anything pertaining to weddings. I was highly upset that I introduced this man to absolutely everyone important to me. More than anything I was ashamed that I would once again be single at all the family functions and have to dodge conversations about my Relationship status. I was on the brink of marital bliss, and instead I ended up drowning in tears full of disappointment, anger, and shame.

I was highly annoyed with God that he would permit my heart to know this kind of pain, and I kept quiet about it for almost four months until I could speak about it without falling apart. To be honest, this was my greatest fear realized. I never wanted to be the woman who knew what it was like to be with “The One” at a family function and have to do the walk of shame at the next family function. I never wanted to know what it was like to give your all to someone only to hear “let’s go separate ways!” It was one of the greatest blows to my heart even though I agreed it was truly the best decision for both of us. This was the most painful moment in my experience with love, but the beauty that came from living through this nightmare was worth every tear. You’ll have to wait until Monday to hear that side of the story. Have a wonderful weekend beautiful people.-Charity Israel

P.S. I made it through typing this blog without a single tear. It appears my days of mourning have ended!!!

 

 

 

Photo Credit: http://weddings.lovetoknow.com/wiki/African_American_Wedding_Clipart

 

The Perfect Mate List Poll

As the thirty first year of my life is quickly approaching, I have found myself doing a lot of introspection. I have been checking my closet making sure all the skeletons are out of it from the previous years. I have been forced to reevaluate some of my relationships, and I have given walking papers to those who truly needed them. I have been confronting all the clutter of my life, and I must admit it has been excruciatingly painful. However, I push through because wholeness is my desire, and I know the liberation that will be experienced after this is over will be well worth it.

One of the tools I have been using to gauge my progress in life is my old journals. I go back to them to see how much I have grown or not. I use them to encourage me through moments of testing and trials as a reminder of how  great God has been to me. Today I was reading one of my old journals, and I came across an entry from June 25, 2008. As I read it, I chuckled because in it contained my Perfect Mate List. I will admit the caliber of man I entertained drastically changed when I created it, but  it has also been what some have accused as the reason behind my singleness.( Side note: #Mr.Godiva and I are no longer together and the #dearfuturehusband post will be returning.) Yet when I read it, I honestly do not believe I am asking for too much. The list is much smaller now, but today I figured I would give each of you a sneak peak into my prayer journal and get your personal opinion:

June 25, 2008-So my ladies and I were talking, and one of them shared about how they made a list concerning what she wanted in a husband. I want to do it, but I’m scared my list might be too much. So here is the deal God, I will make my list and you revise it. You know what I need and that is more important than my wants:

  1.  A man that lives to honor You in word, deed, and heart (a Psalm 119 man).
  2. A man of integrity and vision (a big dreamer).
  3. A man who lives to learn, know, and live the word of God.
  4. A wealthy man.
  5. A man who loves me for me, no exceptions!
  6. A fashion-forward man.
  7. A man that lives and love to worship and pray. He is unashamed to show his love for God.
  8. A man who loves and appreciates his family.
  9. A shrewd business man.
  10. A good steward over his finances.
  11. A man of great faith.
  12. A humble and gentle man towards me and those who need it.
  13. A man who walks, understands, and knows his authority as a son of God.
  14. A man who keeps his word (swears to his own hurt).
  15. A man who is aesthetically pleasing in my sight.
  16. A man that has a wonderful sense of humor and loves to have fun…you will be done Amen.

I’m grateful that you have made it to the end of this list, and now I’m asking for your assistance. If you feel this list was absolutely ridiculous, let me know. If you feel I’m absolutely delusional, let me know. If you feel that this list is not detailed enough, let me know. I look forward to your feedback. Have a Marvelous Monday!!!

 

 

Photo Credit:  https://joyswordsofencouragement.wordpress.com/category/spirit/