I am hesitant to write because there are so many things to be said that my mind seems to be in or should I say on MAXIMUM overload. I have so many thoughts, desires, and stuff on my membrane (a big ball of confusion I seem to be). So fixed on wanting to please God along side of wrestling with the worldly desires in me; afraid that I might have let go of the One man who could have loved me better than any man can. But I could not hold on because the feelings to let go were so strong. This girl has issues. So many that if I committed to a relationship right now, I would only suppress them; and then out of the blue, they would rise to the occasion and destroy everything I have deceptively created. See I know camouflaging well, and when it comes to relationships I can be what you think you need. That’s been my problem I have changed for so many men that in the process I have forgotten which one was the real me. So I’m trying to find myself in hopes that she can be saved, encouraged, loved, appreciated, and accepted. I can not fully commit if I am unaware of who and what I am actually committing. Would say I’m working on my “self image” but I am actually in pursuit of His (God’s) image of me. And every time I go on this pursuit; the enemy brings another one in a suit that I’m intrigued by and tempted to become his “Mrs. Everything.”
So this time I’ll put this One through the test of time to determine if this is His will or my desire to be another one’s Mrs. Everything. Enough time has been wasted; too many tears shed, enough promises broken; and too many pieces of my heart have been distributed; too many times has my identity conformed to the likes of what “him” wanted; too many prayers concerning the same situation but different faces; and too many hearts have been in my possession that I did not handle with care (and to those reading that have been hurt because of me not knowing what I wanted, give love a chance again, and I apologize for hurting you); tired of explaining the unexplainable and trying to find ways out of something I know God said “not yet” too. My disobedience has caused a domino effect of broken hearts, promises, and a whole lot of questions. The Apostle Paul made a profound statement that it is “through our suffering we learn obedience.” And in the areas of relationships I have learned it!!! Knowing one’s identity is vital to the overall health of a relationship; and the baggage one carries from not knowing themselves only sabotages what could have been wonderful. So I have resolved to kick it with myself; be friends with myself; take me out to eat; and enjoy the beauty of becoming a HEALED and WHOLE woman.
And to the one that at this moment I believe could be “him” understand my decision was not meant to hurt you, but I cannot love you the way you should be loved if I do not love and know myself. This is a journey I must embark on alone because every time I have attempted to take someone with me the path gets CROWDED and I end up FALLING OFF. So I am letting you go in hopes that you will return but if not, I understand and appreciate the opportunity of getting to know a man of your caliber, love, strength, grace, joy, patience, temperance, and compassion, truly INCREDIBLE!!!! I have ignored myself for a while and it is time for some TLC (tender, love, and care) so that I can be confident in knowing I am Mrs. Everything(smile). 10/23/2008